As we grow up we let go of this dream. Relationships come and go and often we become bitter over time. I have to admit, I've been guilty of this myself. Over a year ago I left a crappy marriage and told myself, never again. I didn't just mean marriage, I meant relationships, period. My kids and I would do it on our own forever. I was financially independent after all, I have been the breadwinner in every relationship I've had over the past 10+ years. There was no reason why I couldn't do it all on my own...... right?
Wrong. Ten long months went by and it took every day in those ten months to struggle learning how to not only like myself but enjoy my own company when I was lonely. I no longer had adults to really talk to much, anyone who has ever been through a divorce will understand, when you split in a marriage, everyone you knew tends to fall away as well. I am still learning this whole self-love thing but I'm doing much better at it at least. But ten months into my new chapter in life, my new journey and adventure, my day finally came.
I remember the day we met like it was yesterday. I guess that's not all that surprising since it was only ten months ago since that day. I was a miserable hot mess being forced to run errands I didn't want to run, and I was definitely not looking for love. But I did make a new friend and now looking back I realize that may have been one of the most important days of my life.
We were friends for a few months, only hanging out briefly twice, and talking through text messages puraticall. Before I knew it, we fell in love, and I was FREAKING - OUT. Seriously. Y'all have no idea. I'm not sure how he stayed with me those first three months, I was insane. We are now almost seven months into our relationship and while we have had hard times and ups and downs, we have overcame them together. But we have reached that point of comfort, where we may bicker here and there but at the end of the day we share the same bed. We don't hold each other all night long like we used to, now it's more about being comfortable. We're both getting older, beds suck as you get older. And some days... many days... become mundane. Which is why I smiled so big this morning.
I've been up all night, since 2am, since I suffer from insomnia. Wondering what to do, ending up doing nothing but staring at facebook on my phone all night. Finally at 5am I got up and decided to jump in the shower. Why not, it's something to do. I took my shower happily, a little irritated that I had been up all night, but happy to have woken up today either way. I got out of the shower, got dressed and began my post-shower beauty routine. And that was when I saw it...
I knew that yesterday my Q-Tip jar only had one left in it. I was too lazy yesterday to fix that and fill it up. Then I just forgot about it until this morning. Upon my glance I discovered it had already been filled up for me! I couldn't believe how happy this made me. It is the tiny gestures and acts of love that show us how much we mean to someone, that our comfort is at the forefront of their thoughts. It showed me he thinks of me all the time, and at random times, too. Most of all, it showed me I made the right decision last year when I met him. I had wanted to run away, but I didn't. And today I get to wake up each morning loved because of that choice.
Now on rough days when maybe we argue or disagree, or times I feel low, or those times I forget what love is all about, I can remember this jar of Q-Tips. I can remember the smallest act of kindness from the one I love the most.
Most importantly of all, I can remember that I am worthy of being loved. By others, and myself.